It’s been forever and a minute, hasn’t it – and for a change I can’t blame the rapid race against time for my absence. If anything, it’s been the contrary – as I’ve been getting wrapped up in the relative and welcomed silence that the past few weeks have brought; and reacquainting myself with the inner voice that comes to the fore whenever I’m engulfed in the company of my old friend, Stillness. For the first time this year I can honestly say I’ve been calm for longer than a minute, and it’s been exactly what I needed to re-gather my thoughts and recoup! So what exactly has life been like these past few weeks?
Ramadan has come and is already on its’ way out, and we’re slowly starting to get excited about Eid. To be honest, I wasn’t quite as prepared for Ramadan this year like I usually am. Not in a “fill my freezer with savouries” kind of way – although that too – but in a way that gave me enough space and distance from the rush and tide of my current daily routine, in preparation for the peace and tranquillity of the month of Ramadan. This year I was severely caught up in the hamster wheel of Life and Ramadan has been a welcomed reprieve from it all. I usually try and head into the month with some kind of plan; but my lack of planning has led me to experience the all encompassing love of our Faith…the kind that doesn’t look for perfect humans, but instead provides a solace for the wounded and lifts you up when you have fallen to your knees. The kind that will prove to be the beacon of light even when you feel like you’re knee deep in the trenches when you pause for long enough to truly embrace your consciousness, will steer you to the direction of your life that needs extra attention. And so, even though I may have fallen into the month a little blindly; I am emerging with a clearer visual of the aspects of my life I need to focus on. But that’s part of what Ramadan is all about though, isn’t it – an oasis when you feel like you’ve drifted out too far.
Our Cat Died
Grief is a very strange thing. Walking hand in hand with life, love and joy; grief lurks around like a noon day shadow – barely noticeable in the midday sun, or when the joy of life is at it’s zenith – because to live and know the joy of love and companionship, means that inevitably we will have to deal with the bitter sweet taste of grief and loss. It’s a tragic price to pay for a gift so valuable, but who are we to quarrel with the laws of nature. Especially when it hits close to home. You just have to learn to deal and let go…
It seems odd to talk about her here now, in her death, when I never ever properly acknowledged her here when she was alive – and yet she was part of our family for 10 years exactly to the day of her death. This past weekend, we had to face that shadow of grief with the sudden and unexpected death of our cat. That’s the thing with shadows…you don’t notice the small changes and little nuances leading up to that point until it’s full blown and fully fledged. It’s the same way it happened with the death of our Figgy.
The biggest eye opener in this whole experience was how differently all my children dealt with sadness and grief. One tried to hide their feelings behind a mask of stoicism, while the other tried to be valiant and forbearing, and then the other became completely withdrawn and looked to the rest of us for reassurance and support before letting the emotions fall freely. But I think the most overwhelming feeling for all of us, was the immense sense of guilt for not noticing our cat’s health deteriorate. And I think the kids have come to realise that as much as we share the good times together; we’re in it together for the heart breaking ones too. Needless to say, it was an overwhelmingly sad time for all of us, but the kids did extremely well in giving our beloved Figgy a final farewell – right down to her burial. Overall I think it was a great lesson in life about loss and grief. A lesson we all have to face at some point.
The kids are in the thick of things with exams, and while I’m not of much help to them anymore in terms of studying; I still try as best I can to be present and give them the moral support and motivation they need. This also means that they’re home early from school…which would frazzle out my nerves in a previous lifetime, but now feels unusually quiet since everyone is busy with studies and too hungry to argue. Also, the mornings after Suhoor is finally quiet, people! Do you even know how big this moment is in my life!? A part of me misses the chaos, but a bigger part of me is enjoying the second snooze on the weekends !
This Blog Turned 5
Is it cruel to say that I find the internet to be saturated with people trying hard to be relevant? Each to their own and all of that I guess, but I’d be lying if I said I didn’t sometimes question my space and place in this crazy industry. It’s been five years now of me ploughing my heart out online; but sometimes I have to ask – Am I a blogger in the true sense of the word? Or more of a has been and a wannabe? Does my voice count? Is what I have to say, relevant to you at all? Sometimes, I feel the need to pause and reflect on the status of my involvement in the whole age of content creation. Am I just a follower of the tide, or is their real value in my words… And over and over again I come up with the same answer. I’m not one to flow with the current and my approach and content is rather unconventional. But staying true to myself is not something I’m willing to sacrifice in exchange for numbers and stats. It is what it is and I am who I am. And this blog will remain an online journal for my thoughts, feelings and life’s happenings; which means that sometimes I will have a lot to say, and sometimes I’ll have nothing to say at all – and I’m ok with that. I only ask that you stick around through all of it
Thanks for reading!