I know it’s a bit unusual…me writing a message to my kids on Mother’s day when it should be the other way around, but we’ve never been traditional about days like these to begin with. I’ve never been one to demand spoils, or breakfast in bed, or out of character displays of affection from my children. Barred the cute little hand made treasures I’ve received over the years from you guys when you were in pre-school; Mother’s Day has never been a big thing to me!
I suppose Mother’s day has never held any major sentiment to me because I’ve always revelled in the kind of bond I’ve always wanted with my children. We have enough moments throughout the year that fills my heart and doesn’t have me yearning for a special day of dedication…but this year feels a little different. Not because I want to be showered with affection, but more because I feel like I’m not the kind of Mother I really want to be…I’m not as patient as I should be, sometimes I’m not as calm as I’d like to be, a lot of the time I’m distracted and I’m always chasing 100 things at the same time, and sometimes…most times…I fail to give each of you the undivided attention you need. Sometimes I just get it wrong, and I feel like too many times you go to sleep feeling like you didn’t receive the best version of me, or the parts of me that you really needed.Or maybe it’s the fact that we don’t have enough of those special moments that we used to…you know, like piling onto my bed weekend mornings, or watching your favourite things on TV, or making blue waffles, and going to the park. I feel like mothering was easier when you were smaller. There was nothing that a hug or a cuddle, or a nap, or a strong cup of coffee couldn’t cure. You were also A LOT more forgiving!! You saw past all my shortcomings and imperfections – in fact, you didn’t see any of them at all. There was a time when I was all and everything to you. When I was enough. But now I feel like I’m falling short. Like when I stand before you, all my blemishes are exposed. That you only see what I am not, and that you don’t see all that I am…
I know you see me solely as your mother, but I’m also just a person; flawed like the rest, I have dreams and goals of my own, I make mistakes, I’m still learning as I go long, getting lost and trying to find my way again. As much as I like to teach you things, I am also still learning so many things for the first time myself; and sometimes I get carried away and engrossed in my own little world which results in a little less time with you and I know it’s frustrating that I have to always be shared. What I’m trying to say is that I don’t have all the answers, but you can be rest assured that I will always be beside you trying to figure the answers out together. Maybe I haven’t figured out how to be the perfect mother, but despite that, I’m still your mom and each day I try to be the best version of a mother that I can possibly be!
I have journeyed a thousand miles to get to where I am…to be who I am. I have struggled and I have cried…and I have tried Life a million different ways. And each hurdle I have conquered was so that I could be a better me, so that I could be a better mother to you. Motherhood is a tough job, and many times we beat ourselves up because we can’t be everything to our children that we want to be. I can only hope that one day you will sit back and feel that I was enough…But in the meantime, in the moments that I fall short, I want you to remember that no matter what, I love you!
Lots of Love,
Forever & Ever