When you kids were younger, I could not wait till you were bigger…a little more independent…a little less needy. Life was hectic and busy and a little chaotic! Some days I had no idea what I was doing…but I watched you grow with pride. I helped you conquer milestones and need me less and less…and for a while, that was okay. I thought that when you were bigger, things would be easier. That the challenges would ease. But a parent’s worries never cease!
Some days, I wish you were still 4…where teaching you was easy…numbers, adding, the alphabet, mammals and reptiles, and colouring within the lines. Teaching you about real life is so much harder!!!
Some days, I wish you were still 5…that everything I said to you, mattered. That the hugs were easy and the conversations easier. That it wasn’t so hard to break down barriers.
Some days, I wish you were 6…that all the answers you ever sought, were found in me. That you trusted me with everything! And I’ll take those exhausting years back any day if it means I can be a part of your world and have you love being a part of mine!
I wish I was more patient in answering your questions. That maybe if I was patient then, you would be more patient in answering mine, now. Some days I wish you were all small enough to still squeeze into my bed…me squashed in the centre. Some days I wish you still fell asleep wrapped in my arms. But you are too big for that now. Or maybe you think you are too big. Or maybe I think you are too big…but you are not!
There are days you feel misunderstood…when you think I don’t understand. That I am being mean. That all I want to do is ruin your life and spoil your fun. Those days hurt the most! Because I do understand. I understand more than you know…and I feel more misunderstood than you! Because all I really want is the very best. And I understand that it sometimes comes out wrong. That it sometimes finds it’s way out as a scream and ends up as a fight…
I could not wait for the day you grew up, but now I realise that growing up means leaving my side and figuring things out for yourself…and I’m not quite ready for that! There will come a time for that. For letting go. For moving forward. But that time is not now. For now, I am mom and you are very much my child. Although not 4…5…6..You still need caring and still need my guidance; now more than ever!! And even if it comes out all wrong, one day when you read this, you will know it’s because I cared…