Forget what my bio says; today I turn 38! A decade ago, I would’ve been frightened out of my mind at idea of approaching 40…as if it was the beginning of the end… some sign and signal that I was getting old. And yet, here I am, at the cusp of embracing a new decade and I don’t feel old at all! I don’t exactly feel young either…more like stuck in limbo, somewhere between the two.So what does 38 feel like? 38 is like dancing on a tightrope between youth and old age…neither here nor there…but slowly walking away from the one and towards the other. Yet age is so much more than the grey hairs and wrinkles, the age spots and stretch marks. Age is so much more than the failing body we seem to focus on, yet these are symbols and reminders that our vessel is running out of time.
A decade ago I was emerging from the labyrinth of self-doubt and self-pity I seemed to be wallowing in for most of my 20’s. I had lost my identity to motherhood and marriage and needed to claim it back. I started to write my way out of the fog and haze I was in, and by the time I hit 30 I was a ready to embrace the world with blazing guns with my new found strength and the identity that had been buried for so long. But somewhere along the way I also got a little lost. And now, here I am at 38.
Over the past few weeks, I have had many reminders of the old me – timid, naïve, warm, nurturing, trusting and always wearing my heart on my sleeve me. In many ways, Life has made me stronger; but in some ways it has also altered me; made me harder, a little cold, bitter and also slightly cynical. Simply put…it has broken my spirit. With every hardship I have learned valuable lessons; but while growing and learning, I have also built a fortress around myself…lost a bit of my essence.
I know that youth is sold to us as the ultimate destination, so much so that we are forever chasing that fleeting landscape and it makes us afraid to explore what is on the other side. But age is so much more than a number. Age is a reflection of the journey, how far we’ve come and how much further we have yet to go. And if the past is a culmination of events that has shaped and moulded me into who I am; then I want to use the days ahead to find my way back to where I started…back to my roots and reclaim my true essence and identity.
I don’t know what 38 has in store for me, but whatever it is, I’m not going to fight it. I’m ready to take it on, embrace it, be present through it all, live, learn, grow…and find my way back home <3
Thanks for reading!!